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Oct. 28th, 2011

I'm still upset about last weekend. I just can't let this go. I normally don't do anything for my birthday, but this year, I asked my husband, brother, and his girlfriend to go to a haunted house with me for my birthday. I normally don't ask to go anywhere. Usually, I have to be dragged out of the house to do anything. So for me to ask other people to go out and do something is a pretty big deal. I wanted to go out and do something fun. I haven't done anything for my birthday since I turned 21... 4 years ago. Anyway, it all turned to crap. My hubby "had" to watch a football game, and my brother and girlfriend were "too busy." Everyone bailed on me... on my birthday. It hurt. Really bad.

My brother's birthday was a few weeks ago. He ended up making some last minute plans to go out for his birthday. We already had a wedding to go to that day and I had also made some plans to hang out with some friends (that I hadn't seen in months) afterwards. I did everything I could to accomodate my brother's birthday plans. We left the wedding early and I asked my friends to meet me where my brother was having his little birthday get together. I went out of my way to make sure that I was there to celebrate with him even though I already had plans. I think that's why it especially bothers me that he bailed on me. Honestly, it would have taken an hour, at most, for him to drive to the haunted house, go through it, and drive home. That's all that I asked him for and he told me that he "couldn't make time."

The hubby, on the other hand, has never been into a haunted house. He is easily scared and I think that the football game that he "had" to watch was a cop-out. I think that he was nervous about going and once he knew that my brother and his girlfriend weren't going, he chickened out. Nonetheless, he could have gone with me and it really bothers me that he ditched me too.

It's been a week now since all of this has happened and I am still upset about it. It really hurt my feelings. It made me feel so unimportant. It seems so unfair to me that I go to everyone else's parties, I babysit for friends when I don't want to, I do favors for everyone else; and this one simple request to go to a haunted house gets completely disregarded. It makes me feel like no one cares about my wants or needs.

I'm tired of doing favors for everyone else and getting nothing in return. I'm tired of trying so hard to please everyone, when no one is willing to do the same for me. I consider myself a very nice and caring person, but apparently, I'm nice and caring to a fault. I have taught people to treat me the way that they do. I have taught others that I will do favors for them, or go to all of their parties, or let them borrow money, or babysit for them, or give them a ride somewhere and not expect them to do anything for me in return. I don't mind doing a favor now and then. That's not the issue. The problem is that I have been doing so many things for so many people for so long. Now everyone expects it from me. I don't know how to change that pattern. I have been told, "You don't get what you give, but you should give what you get." I think that's pretty good advice, but it's easier said than done.

Tonight, my brother and his girlfriend texted my husband and told him that they wanted to do something with us. I immediately said no because of the incident that happened last weekend. I decided to give right back to them what they gave me last weekend. I told my husband to tell them that I said I was too busy. Eye for an eye, right? It felt sort of empowering at first, but then I just felt like a jerk. That is where my problem is. I want to give what I get, so people will understand how they make me feel, but if I'm getting treated like crap, it makes me feel really guilty to treat other people like crap.

The weekend before last, I had someone else treating me like crap. My "best friend," actually. She asked me if I would babysit her daughter for her. I was making dinner, but had no plans afterwards, so I told her yes. She hadn't bugged me about babysitting in awhile and I figured it would only be for a few hours, so no big deal. I asked her if she could drive her to my place because I wouldn't be done with dinner by the time she needed me to watch her. She agreed, and a short while later she was at my door. I asked her what time she would be back to pick her up and that's when she dropped it on me... She said, "Oh, yeah... I'm sorry I forgot to tell you on the phone, but she's going to stay the night." My jaw hit the floor. I could not believe that she had the gall to bring her kid over here and THEN tell me that her daughter will be staying the night with us. Isn't that something that should have been crystal clear before she brought her all the way to my house?! I found it so rude and I felt extremely used. I do not plan on babysitting for her again for quite some time. I feel bad for her daughter, but you know what? I didn't sign up for that! It's not my fault that she got pregnant when she was young! It's not my fault that she wants to go out and have fun and can't do it without a babysitter! It's not my fault that her daughter's father is a complete douche bag! I'm done. NOT MY PROBLEM.

Ugh...
Am I real? I mean, do I actually exist? I feel like a ghost. I feel like I can see everyone else, but no one can see me. It's a bizarre feeling, but sometimes I actually wonder this. I have come to the conclusion that I am either not real or I am from another planet.
Sometimes I wonder what my funeral would be like. Who would show up? What would they say about me? Would anyone really miss me? I know that it's morbid to think of things like that, but I feel like then I would know who really cared about me. At this point, I feel like no one really does. The only time I see the people that I care about is if I go to see them. No one ever seems to have time for me. I don't get phone calls or text messages unless someone wants or needs something. I feel like that is the only thing I'm good for. I feel like no one wants anything to do with me unless they need something.

I feel so lonely. I feel so different from everyone else. I find it harder and harder to interact with other people. I am especially bad at meeting new people. I feel that I have nothing in common with others and I find it more than difficult to strike up a conversation with someone that I don't know anything about. I am also finding it increasingly difficult to hold a conversation with people that I do know. I don't know what to talk about with anyone, really. I can't help but think about how different I am than the person I'm trying to talk to. There are some people I don't even enjoy talking to anymore. My "best friend," for example. She is the worst when it comes to only calling me when she needs something. She doesn't ask me to hang out with her anymore and even when she does, I don't want to because I know that I will have to go all the way to her house and pick her up, then listen to her talk about herself and all of her problems for hours, and finally drive her all the way back home. It's kind of a wasted trip. I don't get to talk to her about how I'm feeling or how I'm doing because it's always all about her and her drama. And she never even asks. I'm so tired of it. I'm tired of not having anyone to talk to.

My husband doesn't really get it either. I have a hard time talking to him as well. It's like talking to a wall. He just clams up. He doesn't say anything except, "I just don't know what to say." I don't think he means to be difficult. He's just not good with feelings. It does put a strain on things, though. It makes me feel even more lonely. It makes me feel like he doesn't understand either. I don't like it.

I often fantasize about running away. Just picking up and leaving everything behind and not telling a soul where I went. Starting all over. I would never dream of leaving my husband, but I feel like such a burden on him. He might be sad at first, but I think that once he got over the initial sadness, he would realize how much I was actually bringing him down. I think all the time about getting a place by myself. Leaving my job and finding a new one. I would love to move somewhere warm. I would love to see palm trees and sunshine every day. I would love to not have to worry about everyone else so much. I think that I was meant to be alone.
I thought about ending my life this morning. I would never really do it, but sometimes I fantasize about it. I think a lot about how it would be if I could just end everything. I wonder who would miss me. I guess I don't really see any purpose in me being here. I seem to do no good. I try to make other people happy, but I feel like even though I make time for other people, no one seems to have time for me. Nobody is interested in anything I want or need. I feel this way with most relationships in my life. It's all a one way street. I really don't see the point in sticking around sometimes.

Something else that has really been bothering me lately is that my parents have not been to visit me in months. My dad has come by once since we moved in the apartment back in March. I think he stopped by some time in July. My mom has been here twice...maybe three times. She hasn't been here since before I got married in June (over 4 months ago now). I feel like they really don't care to see me. The only time they do see me is if I go to their house. The kicker is that both of them have to driveright by my place almost every single day. Neither of them ever drop by to say hello. Even on my birthday...

Things with the hubby have still been a struggle. He went to therapy with me. The therapist asked him to tell me once a day that I am "beautiful" in some way. He did it for two or three days, but that's it. I still don't feel like he is attracted to me at all. I think it's pretty pathetic that I, or someone else, has to ask him to tell me that he finds me attractive. I feel like if he found me attractive, no one would have to ask him to express that. Then, when I ask him to tell me things like that, I don't feel like it's genuine. I feel like he's just telling me what I want to hear so I will shut up.

I've been thinkin...

I've been thinking about a lot of things lately...

About how I don't fit in... anywhere, really. Not at home, not with my friends, and especially not with any group of people I don't know. It's really frustrating. I always feel like there's something wrong with me. I just don't get how I can know so many people and not really "click" with any of them. I really feel alone in the world.

I've also been thinking about my phobia and all that revolves around it. It's that time of year again where people start to get s* and my anxiety about it has been skyrocketing. I spend almost every waking moment thinking about ways to avoid it. Hand washing, not touching my face, not sharing drinks or food, not kissing... the list goes on and on. Almost everything I do revolves around it. I'm afraid of going back to school, or looking for a new job, or going to crowded places...I feel like I'm going out of my mind. I think about how it will affect my future, too. I really want kids later on down the road and since I'm getting married soon, I've been thinking about it more and more. But along with pregnancy usually comes morning s*ness. I'm afraid that my phobia will get in the way of something I really want. Maybe I am crazy...

Haven't posted in awhile...

It seems that as soon as something goes good, something else has to go bad. Anxiety-wise, I've been doing okay. I still have a panic attack here and there, but it hasn't been horrible (*knock on wood*). But now I have another problem... A missing period. I have taken several home pregnancy tests and they were all negative. I had heard that false negatives weren't all that uncommon, so I even had a blood test done at the doctors and it was also negative. Now, the hypochondriac inside me is saying that something is horribly wrong. I've never had anything like this happen before. The logical part of me is saying that this is just "one of those things" and it will pass and everything will go back to normal. I wish I could tune out all of the bad thoughts. I know a couple of people that have missed one from stress or even for no reason at all. I just can't help but worry all the time... *sigh*

On a happier note, work has been going a little bit better. Not too much drama for now. The weather is finally starting to warm up a little bit too. It's amazing how much a little bit of sunshine can help things. It just makes me more hopeful. About what? I don't know. Everything, really. About getting married and buying a house and just being happy.
I'm on my lunch break... My second favorite part of the work day (when I clock out being the first). I'm debating on eating something or not... I'm pretty hungry, but I know I'll just feel like crap after I eat. This whole "mystery illness" is quite disruptive at work. I'm in the bathroom half of the day and I leave early all the time. I HATE it. Most of my coworkers are pretty understanding, but my boss just tells me that I should exercise more... I'm 5'8" & 115lbs!!! Like I need to exercise more! Weight is falling off of me as it is. I don't think that burning more calories off will do me any good. Oh well...

Jan. 11th, 2010

What a gloomy day. Being underweight in the winter is no fun...
Just made some apple turnovers. They were AMAZING! I've done a lot today. Did quite a few loads of laundry and made dinner and dessert. I love baking and I love feeling accomplished. Back to doing laundry...
Little bit of a sore throat... feverish... I better not be coming down with something. I should probably get to bed early tonight.

On a side note, my uncle, who lives with us, is probably one of the most disgusting human beings I have ever met. I've seen bums with better hygene. He NEVER washes his hands after using the bathroom (one of my biggest peeves), I've never seen him brush his teeth, and he showers MAYBE once a week. Ick... and the man almost never gets sick. I think he would be immune to ebola. To top off the horrible hygene, he lives on a steady diet of coffee, iced tea, soda, and M&Ms. He says he doesn't like the taste of water...

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